Portland Mercury

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10 Answers

• First of all: What KG said. If she told you not to get involved, then don't. (Unless you have indication that he is possibly violent or something like that, (I'd like to believe that my friends would remove me from a dangerous situation, even if I told them not to,) but what you've said so far doesn't imply that, it seems more like he is just a creepy guy.) Part of the problem is that guys are stupid, (although this one sounds particularly dense,) and your friend doesn't seem particularly direct. That is a bad combination, as you've noticed. If she just broke off contact, he obviously didn't get the hint, he might have thought that she was busy or whatever, and so he is trying again later. If she told him today "You send me too many messages," that is a different message than just not responding, although it still may not get through to him, (for instance, he might back off again for a few months again.) However, if she says something very direct like "I don't want anything to do with you, don't EVER contact me again," that is a different message, but one that she needs to say. If, after that, he still continues to contact her, then legal action would certainly be appropriate. If she doesn't want to do that, or at least not yet, (and I can see her wanting to avoid it, it is a big pain,) she could certainly talk to someone in HR at her company since he is a [former] employee. The big advantage of that is that it would be less work, and they'd probably help out on the legal front, (since refusing to help her implicitly means that they condone that sort of behavior, (the pictures, not the "too many text messages") and if HR is any good at her company, they'll know that condoning that sort of behavior could put them at the end of a very expensive lawsuit.) Matthew D answered in Whatever 18 days ago | Report 1 0 2 comments by two squatting women and Annie… Your middle paragraph is spot-on. It's a combination of her lack of direct expression and his "stupidity." We've talked about this, in fact. To me, he's not stupid so much as lacking all boundaries. He probably doesn't think he's doing anything wrong because no one's threatened him with real-world, legal consequences, which is merely why I wanted to step in and tell him what she wasn't. Anyway, she told me she was more direct with her last replies. Hope it works. Thanks. PS-good advice regarding her work except management/ownership are horrible in every way and likely wouldn't come to her aid. two squatting women commented 18 days ago | Report Good advice! About contacting work - it doesn't matter if they're unresponsive. She'd do herself a giant favor by starting a paper trail now, just in case, before it escalates further. Annie commented 11 days ago | Report Enter a comment or ask a new question preview THIS IS A PREVIEW: Click "Post" to submit it or "Edit" to make changes. edit

• Sorry, but she's asked you to stay out of it, so stay out of it. If she really wanted to do something about it, it would be as simple as telling him to fucking stop for real, calling the police herself, or just blocking his phone number, or changing her own. She just doesn't seem to mind this anywhere near as much as you do, and as infuriating as that may seem, you should accept it and leave it be. I'd reconsider though, if he starts doing more than this (e.g. texts reveal he's following her, etc.) Commenty Colin answered in Whatever 18 days ago | Report 1 0 1 comment by two squatting women… She does mind. See reply to KG. Expressing dissatisfaction and ignoring it doesn't make it go away completely. Hence my compulsion. Agreed on your last point, for sure. Thanks, CC. two squatting women commented 18 days ago | Report Enter a comment or ask a new question preview THIS IS A PREVIEW: Click "Post" to submit it or "Edit" to make changes. edit

• You've been asked/told TWICE, not to respond on her behalf. That should be rather clear. Unless you want to violate your friendship with her, don't take any action to threaten this guy unless he leaves her along. She has said that she'll handle it. Trust her. On the other hand, you are free to send this guy an email on your own, or a video or a text message... NOT MENTIONING HER IN ANY WAY OR INDICATING ANYTHING THAT WOULD LINK HER TO THIS.... and tell him that you are aware of his termination, his myspace account, his practice of harassing females, and that you are about to take action with the authorities if you have any indication that he is stalking or harassing any females. (If you wanted to bluff, you could say you know why he was terminated from the health club.) But the danger in his is if he's only pursuing her, he'll immediately make the link. Tread carefully. You may want to consult the police without making a complaint for alternatives. KG answered in Whatever 18 days ago | Report 2 1 1 comment by two squatting women… Agreed. I am trusting her. My guess is he's done/doing this to others. With no uncertainty, actually. That could be helpful in protecting her anonymity if I did write him, but I can't do that in good conscience. I respect her wishes and wouldn't want to go behind her back. Here's the rub: she's a wondefully nice and sweet person, which sleaze ball fucks can perceive as being a sign of vulnerability. She's not though, but also doesn't like being firm and direct in her own defense sometime. It's the "It'll all just go away" attitude. I will trust her to make this stop, but you may be able to see why I have the urge to step in and put an end to it. Anyway, thanks for the reply. two squatting women commented 18 days ago | Report Enter a comment or ask a new question preview THIS IS A PREVIEW: Click "Post" to submit it or "Edit" to make changes. edit

• Dude, if sending pictures of your junk to girls you've met only briefly isn't sexual harassment, then I'm Dan Savage. bellamoses answered in Whatever 17 days ago | Report 1 0 Comment on this answer Enter a comment or ask a new question preview THIS IS A PREVIEW: Click "Post" to submit it or "Edit" to make changes. edit

• Yup, I agree with the others, here. And remind yourself that you only know what your friend told you - maybe she's given this guy more encouragement than she's willing to admit to you. She claims she's never shown him any interest, but won't let you intervene - that sounds like an odd combination. Reymont answered in Whatever 17 days ago | Report 2 2 6 comments by two squatting women, Reymont, and two squatting women… Point taken but I know with absolute certainty that she's not shown him any encouragement, let alone even had more than 2 minutes of actual face-to-face contact. We've talked about it further. Not letting me intervene is just her wanting to handle it her way, and on her own. two squatting women commented 17 days ago | Report Yeah, all your posts have taken that same stance - as if you know everything she's said and everything's she thought and everything she's done. Don't you think that's a little arrogant? She's a whole 'nuther person - you can never know all the stuff you're saying you do. Reymont commented 16 days ago | Report Really? Is that your interpretation? That I claim to know all her thoughts and actions? Yeesh, friend. All I said is when it comes to her relationship with this guy and the contact they've had, I'm certain there's nothing more happening. That's not arrogant. That's an opinion based on my close relationship with this girl. What's arrogant and careless is someone quite distant from the scenario insisting she's concealing some secret flirtation/communication with this dude despite my informed opinion to the contrary. I appreciate your input but don't get defensive and pissy when I can dismiss your claim based on facts I'm privy to and you're not. two squatting women commented 16 days ago | Report Two quotes from you in this thread: "She was never, ever at all flirty or suggestive with him in any way. As is her nature, she was politely dismissive in her replies, not to mention grossed out and appalled." "I know with absolute certainty that she's not shown him any encouragement." So yeah, that's you "claim[ing] to know all her thoughts and actions." How could you know those things? Do you have superpowers? You can read minds? And she's never out of your sight? You'll note, though, that I'm NOT "insisting she's concealing some secret flirtation/communication." I insist nothing. I only caution that you seem to be awfully convinced you know everything there is to know about a situation, and that's never a good place from which to make decisions. Reymont commented 16 days ago | Report Oh - and everyone else had already covered all the obvious responses. I agree with them all and give their answers priority. Just decided to add one minor thought instead of repeating the same feedback. Reymont commented 16 days ago | Report Sir or madam, I'm not sure what your end game is here. Would you feel better about your advice-giving skills if I, despite evidence to the contrary (remember, I know this person well, you don't), decided to suddenly doubt her words and actions, heap upon her an arbitrary mistrust and paranoia and freak out on her with baseless accusations? Based on what I've said, how would that help the situation? Why operate that way? Are you projecting your own mistrust of past/current partner(s)? Sure as fuck seems like it. Try not to exaggerate. I know as much as I feel I possibly could about her relation to this guy. That's not claiming ultimate knowledge of all her thoughts and actions. two squatting women commented 16 days ago | Report Enter a comment or ask a new question preview THIS IS A PREVIEW: Click "Post" to submit it or "Edit" to make changes. edit

• There's no reason to spend a bunch of time gathering circumstantial evidence like website and favorite movies featuring pedophiles. It just makes the whole situation look juvenile. If you're honestly worried about her safety, help her file a report with HR to initial an early paper trail in case she ever needs it. Contact the police or a lawyer friend and ask what steps she should take in case the sitch escalates. They should be able to give her step-by-step instructions as to what she should do. For instance: 1. Send a request to never contact her again, worded in a way that will stand up in court. 2. Send a written piece or correspondence to his employer or something, so it's in writing, etc. 3. File a complaint with the police. 4. Etc. Hopefully it'll never get to the point where she's in danger, but if it does, you'll want to be able to have concrete evidence that this behavior was not welcome from the outset. Sometimes in order to build a case for yourself you need to jump through some specific hoops. Annie answered in Whatever 11 days ago | Report 0 0 3 comments by two squatting women, Annie, and two squatting women… I didn't spend any time gathering evidence. I googled his name for the purposes of finding an email address and his own dead sites popped up which included his likes, etc., so I looked. Anyway, she texted him to cease contact, forcefully, and hence his messages stopped. She did save them, including the pictures, in case it started up again soon after. Do you really feel that taking any approach other than yours means I don't "honestly" worry about her safety? two squatting women commented 11 days ago | Report I'm sorry. I didn't realize my comment came across like I was suggesting you weren't concerned... I've had this texting harassment stuff happen to me a couple times, and it was a little scary, but it stopped at the gross texting and I didn't have to take more drastic measures (thank goodness). I was just reacting to a comment you posted about Californication and American Beauty and stuff. Just trying to steer your efforts toward the legal side of it and away from the character conjecture. The guys that did it to me weren't sleazy on the surface and you don't need to be in order to be a stalker, so there's no reason to dig anything up on them. Just do your paperwork. That's all I was trying to convey. Sorry if I offended you. It wasn't intentional. Annie commented 11 days ago | Report Thanks for clarifying. Not offended at all. Bummer about your stalkers. I've actually had a same sex (male) stalker before. I relied less on the law and more on sleuthing and my (relative) machismo. That's more my M.O., which is why I thought better to ask the very fine and sensible folks here at Q-Land! BTW, the character stuff was only incidental, though I think not insignificant. two squatting women commented 11 days ago | Report Enter a comment or ask a new question preview THIS IS A PREVIEW: Click "Post" to submit it or "Edit" to make changes. edit

• Ditto everyone re not taking action. She asked you not to, and if you do anyway you're doing the same thing the creeper is doing: not respecting her wishes. If I were her, I would refuse to read and NEVER reply to any communication from him. He WANTS a reaction, and if he stops getting it, he'll go to greener pastures. He may be thinking she's playing hard to get, or something crazy, but as long as she keeps replying, she's participating in this with him. As for the satisfying thought of warning him off, you would basically be escalating the situation, something you're worried HE will do. Action = continuance or escalation, ignoring = probably going away. PDXwahine answered in Whatever 17 days ago | Report 1 1 2 comments by two squatting women and PDXwahine… Respectfully disagree. I think he needs someone else to know what he's up to. Thankfully he's stopped harassing my friend, but he's probably just moved on to some other girl. two squatting women commented 17 days ago | Report Respectfully disagree back atcha. :) Sort of. I do agree, someone should know that he's causing problems. If the guy works for the same company, or even a sister company, then it IS sexual harassment and your friend's supervisor should know. Who's to say he's not doing this to other women, maybe customers? However, if the guy hasn't committed a crime, it's not right to report him just because he MIGHT. That way lies witch hunting and inquisition. Like, in that Tom Cruise movie (which I've never seen because I hate him, but you know) where people get arrested because the psychics say they'll commit a crime in the future. Granted, if a person is exhibiting signs of imbalance, they should be watched. But from the very little I know about this situation, so far the guy has just overtexted and sent unwanted nudes. A lot of "normal" guys do that, it doesn't mean they'll soon stalk or rape or kill. Plunging someone into the penal system (something I HATE) before they break the law is not cool. Your questions were "What should she do? Is his behavior sexual harassment? Should I stay out of it?" She should tell her supervisor and bring work authority into it, If she chooses not to, though, that's her choice. His behavior MAY or MAY NOT be sexual harassment.. it's sounds like it's on the line from what you say, but we of all people don't know the reality of what's going on. You may not either, to be honest. So, Questionland can't answer that. Should you stay out of it? Still, unequivocally, yes. Your friend "insisted" that you not get involved, and I strongly believe you should respect that. I know it's maddening, and we all want to protect our friends. You're a good person for caring and wanting to help. I just think that you sound a little overly worked up and need to let her handle this on her own. The guy hasn't presented more than a social problem to date. PDXwahine commented 17 days ago | Report Enter a comment or ask a new question preview THIS IS A PREVIEW: Click "Post" to submit it or "Edit" to make changes. edit

• It's a crime if she told him not to text or call her. See Oregon Revised Statute 166.090 166.090 Telephonic harassment. (1) A telephone caller commits the crime of telephonic harassment if the caller intentionally harasses or annoys another person: (a) By causing the telephone of the other person to ring, such caller having no communicative purpose; (b) By causing such other person’s telephone to ring, knowing that the caller has been forbidden from so doing by a person exercising lawful authority over the receiving telephone; or (c) By sending to, or leaving at, the other person’s telephone a text message, voice mail or any other message, knowing that the caller has been forbidden from so doing by a person exercising lawful authority over the receiving telephone. (2) Telephonic harassment is a Class B misdemeanor. (3) It is an affirmative defense to a charge of violating subsection (1) of this section that the caller is a debt collector, as defined in ORS 646.639, who engaged in the conduct proscribed by subsection (1) of this section while attempting to collect a debt. The affirmative defense created by this subsection does not apply if the debt collector committed the unlawful collection practice described in ORS 646.639 (2)(a) while engaged in the conduct proscribed by subsection (1) of this section. [1987 c.806 §2; 1999 c.115 §1; 2005 c.752 §1] Number Six answered in Whatever 17 days ago | Report 0 0 2 comments by Commenty Colin and two squatting women… Yeah, nothing's going to whip this idiot into shape like threatening to apply ORS 166.090(1)(c)'s prohibitions on telephonic harrassment! And the police are going to be really enthusiastic about enforcing this, too. The girl needs to tell the motherfucker to stop for real and block the guy's number. If that doesn't work, tell him she's going to put the pictures on the internet with his name and address in 70 point type. Commenty Colin commented 17 days ago | Report Go easy on No. 6. I think he's just pointing out it's a crime. Oh man, I have his name, his half-dead websites, his email and a picture. I could fuck his shit up. Bad. But I won't. But I want to. But I won't. Additional and interesting context: he's in his late 30's and my friend in her mid 20's and kinda looks even younger than that. On one of his sites he lists his favorite movies/tv shows. They are Californication, Lost in Translation, American Beauty. See the common thread? This dick fancies himself a real Hank Moody, albeit a sociopathic, more perverted version. In his world he truly believes much younger girls he barely knows will moisten up at his dick pictures. two squatting women commented 17 days ago | Report Enter a comment or ask a new question preview THIS IS A PREVIEW: Click "Post" to submit it or "Edit" to make changes. edit

• I'm in that rare category of people in their 30s who don't own a cell phone. Crazy, right? So, forgive me my ignorance, but can't you block people from texting you? Why doesn't she just send this guy a short "don't contact me any more, and I'm blocking you" message, and then block his number? I agree with others that you should not contact this guy. That will kick his male competitiveness into overdrive, and he may try to "compete" with you to win her affection. Dave J. answered in Whatever 17 days ago | Report 1 1 1 comment by two squatting women… "That will kick his male competitiveness into overdrive, and he may try to "compete" with you to win her affection." No chance he's winning that battle. 2 approaches: if you plan on contacting police you have to allow the calls/messages for evidence. If you don't, you can call the phone company and have the number blocked, yes. Follow up-her last message to him has lead to him ceasing contact, which is good. two squatting women commented 17 days ago | Report Enter a comment or ask a new question preview THIS IS A PREVIEW: Click "Post" to submit it or "Edit" to make changes. edit

• This motherfucker is cruising for a bruising. Be a vigilante. krusty answered in Whatever 17 days ago | Report 2 2 1 comment by two squatting women… I wanna go all Travis Bickle/Dirty Harry/Berhard Goetz/Curtis Sliwa/D-FENS on his ass. I appreciate the support! two squatting women commented 17 days ago | Report Enter a comment or ask a new question preview THIS IS A PREVIEW: Click "Post" to submit it or "Edit" to make changes. edit

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